I’ve seen more Evil from a Carebear. Lethal Ninja review!

lninjaRemember my video post a few days back?  (See Evil Mail Call! post)  You just recall me blabbing about Lethal Ninja (aka For Hire), you know, the Blue Laser title DVD with a really neat retro nineties look with a white boy ninja, holding a sai and is reflecting a half naked woman?  Well, I had the time to pop in the disk and try to see how lethal this white nina with a mullet really is?

Chinatown is overrun by kung-fu expert gangs who are controlled by the mob.  The mayor weak footed stance has him unsure about what to do and it doesn’t help matters if the cops don’t want to patrol Chinatown in fear of losing their lives. The mayor receives mysterious notes at every turn and read “For Hire” and a 555 telephone number.  The mayor mustards up his last bit of hope and calls the For Hire number.  J.D. Makay answers the mayor’s prayers as he uses his ninja abilities to clean up Chinatown from the foot troops to the head of management, but at the stake of the mayor’s family.

We begin Lethal Ninja with early nineties hip-hop james and dancing then a gang comes up and starts to throw fake punches, knocking people down.  All this happens even with the hip-hop band still sings and dances turning it into an In Living Color musical introduction.  This is just one of the instances that doesn’t make sense in this direct-to-video film.  We have random imagery of J.D. Makay practicing his movie hyped ninja moves.  Every time a for hire card is exposed, J.D. Makay throws a karate chop or a round house kick.  What scene really disturbed me was when Bambi Swayze, who plays as Rachel – family friend to the mayor and his family – is riding the main boss’s crotch.  He twists his lips and eyes into some contorted mess that I can’t really explain what is really going on.  He chants “obey me” while images of his son Sonny come on and off the screen.  Oh, and by the way, Sonny is shot in the gut in the cemetery scene and still lives and is walking around just fine.  Literally, shot in the guy with the bullet going through his body leaving a bloody shirt tail at his back.  But that twisted face will leave me with nightmares for the rest of my days.

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The character J.D. Makay just isn’t an assured action hero.  He can’t seem to protect the mayor’s family, he is saved a quite a few times by the mayor’s youngest boy, and can’t even tell that a cross-dressing hit man creeping around the burial ceremony.  Makay’s skills are a joke.  If I put Barney Fife in the Octogon with J.D. Makay, Barney would surely win by the first round.  Unfortunately, director Stefan Rudnicki just didn’t have the budget to afford better actors and special effects which would have aided the passable DVD cover.  It’s a good thing I only paid $1.86 for this DVD.  I couldn’t see myself paying the retail of $15.99 or more and if I did, I should just give away all my money – perhaps donate it to the veteran ninja society for the disabled.  I still look for to the other Blue Laser DVD Boiler Room.  I imagine it’ll be just as glamourous and thrilling like Lethal Ninja.

Lethal Ninja is an enjoyable film with lots of booze and many humorous compadres.  You won’t be able to teach yourself the ways of the ninja or learn the responsible ways of running a city as a mayor, but you’ll have your joke vault filled for the rest of your life.  The gullibility of the writing is incomparable.  I’ve seen Paul Naschy movies better than this, but I guess we all inspire to have a little ninja in us every once and awhile and that is why we make movies about them no matter how much money we don’t possess.  If you don’t want to catch this awesome flick on DVD, you can watch the cliff notes version below!

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