A haughty and unpleasant stock trader taking an Uber to a late-night business meeting stumbles upon a drug deal gone bad. Monstrously bad. A werewolf intrudes into the exchange, killing three people and biting the trader on the shoulder. Stumbling into the nearby woods disoriented and with a pocketful of cocaine, his desire to relieve the pain from his shoulder as well as to escape the nightmare of being lost and confused in the woods lies within the white as snow narcotic housed on his person, but every time he takes a nasal hit, his addiction curses him into becoming like the wolf that attacked him. Happening across a film crew shooting a microbudget horror film and having no clue what’s happening to him, he partakes with the director’s cocaine habit that fuels his inner beast to come out and hunt them down one-by-one to rip them to shreds high on nose candy.
Much the same way the farcical “Sharknado” gave birth to a few analogous action-horror spoofs with similar ridiculously punned titles, such as “Clownado” or “Lavantula,” that combines a vilified thing with one of the many wraths of mother nature, 2023’s “Cocaine Bear” too began the same conceptual nonsense that spewed out “Attack of the Meth Gator,” “Cocaine Shark,” and now, we’re treated to the next level of hopped-up creatures with “Cocaine Werewolf.” Helmed by longtime microbudget horror filmmaker Mark Polonia, under the Polonia Bros. Production banner, and penned by first time screenwriter Tyger Torrez, the 2024 horror-comedy cuts the werewolf’s bane with powdery coke, spiraling the legendary lycanthrope into a stimulated frenzy of blow. “Camp Blood’s” David S. Sterling of Sterling Entertainment funds the in-and-around Wellsboro, Pennsylvania-shot project with fellow producers Ford Austin (“Dahmer vs. Gacy) and Cleopatra Entertainment’s Tim Yasuni and Brian Perera (“Frost,” “The Black Mass”) serving as producer and executive producer.
Returning to the schlocky world of penny-made horror is Brice Kennedy who has reconnected with Mark Polonia since “Razorteeth” and “Splatter Beach” from 2007. Shortly after Mark’s brother, John Polonia, unexpectantly died in 2008, Kennedy returns to the in front of the camera scene in 2024 after a lengthy hiatus of 17 years. Kenney takes the lead role of the cocaine addicted stock trader bitten to become a rampaging werewolf with a proclivity for nose blow. The West Virginia native never lost a step in those 24 years of off camera with a smooth slip into an obnoxiously crass stock trader jostled to wander the woods and to be anxious to get to the next snort of his pocket narcotic. Kenney plays on a fraction of the rubber masked werewolf, with Mark Polonia and others donning the snarling molded and faux hair stitched latex, but we don’t know or can’t tell which portion of the man-wolf Kenney portrays. Brice carries much of the story until he meets the film crew halfway, through the muck of drug deals gone sour between actors James Carolus and Titus Himmelberger of “Sharkula,” a pair of unlucky drivers behind the wheel of their cars in Michael Korotitsch (“Motorboat”) and Marie DeLorenzo (“Sister Krampus”), and two hunters, from James Kelly (“Sharkula”) and Jeff Kirkendall (“Motorboat”) suspicious of the recent mauling deaths of their neighbors and find themselves way over their head with the animal that’s causing all the carnage. Principal position shifts from being solo to a shared introduction of the film crew, exploring satire of making a low-budget, independent horror movie about a hackneyed clown slasher (Noyes J. Lawton, “Virus Shark”) chasing two girls through the forest. Those two females leads, Jamie Morgan (“Motorboat”) and Greta Volkova (“The Last Frankenstein”), get put through the trope wringer with lesbianism tendencies and gratuitous shower nudity, not to also neglect mentioning being damsels in distress from a killer clown, and become centrically the focus toward heroine, aka the final girl, as the cocaine werewolf infiltrates their small band of filmmakers. Hot on the savage beast’s trail is Ken Van Sant (“Virus Shark”) as the local sheriff baffled by what’s tearing people apart. If you couldn’t tell already, the cast is comprised of Mark Polonia regulars, those who have worked together on numerous projects, and have a kind of inner circle rapport with each other from the various Mark Polonia Bros. productions and this also includes Cody Losinger, Tim Hatch, Yolie Canales, and Alyssa Paige that rounds out “Cocaine Werewolf.”
I had promised myself after reviewing “Motorboat” dismally, I would stay away from another Mark Polonia production but because of my personal philosophy and prejudge avoidance policy of not researching and previewing films before watching them for critical analysis, I burned myself into Mark Polonia’s world once again. I was duped in part of Cleopatra Entertainment being partnering producers and the distributing label as they’re becoming well known for release moderately subpar horror product and have their own entourage line of actors, actresses, and filmmakers, such as Devanny Pinn and Brandon Slagle, with notable B-movie guest stars like William Shatner (“Star Trek”), Vernon Wells (“Commando”), and Udo Kier (“Blood for Dracula”) in some of their releases. Additionally, I absolutely enjoyed “Gun Woman’s” Kurando Mitsutake from print-to-film manga adapted “Lion Girl” that recently saw the physical media light. Unfortunately, I did not get the same pleasure out of “Cocaine Werewolf” under Polonia’s formulaic filmmaking and while Polonia does apply some effects techniques, mostly off-kilter visual f/x such as the added cold breath, the blood spurts, or the swirling faces that indicate human-to-wolf transition, but there isn’t a consistency to them and doesn’t blend into “Cocaine Werewolf’s” whole tone in what is more of a convenience choice rather than a unifying or connective element. “Dead Ant” and “Psycho Goreman’s” Josh Wasylink’s werewolf mask design would be any kid’s Halloween wet dream in what has pretty remarkable detail contrasted against the microbudget. Granted, there are not pneumatic or hydraulic components to the constant mask but a little blood here, a little blood there, and some glowing red eyes and you got yourself a damn good-looking, classic-feeling werewolf.
From Cleopatra Entertainment, the film division of music label Cleopatra Records, comes “Cocaine Werewolf” onto an AVC encoded, 1080p high-definition, BD25 Blu-ray. Frequently lacquered in a CIG haze, the ungraded image manages to retain a solid definition of sharp detail presented in an anamorphic 1.85:1 aspect rato. This can be good and bad for the image quality that while really creates delineation around textural clothing and the ample foliage it can also really expose to a fault and emphasize the rubbery inanimate mask along with the large cut out eyes, blackened with dark makeup to try and make the mask and the actor seamless. Depth is fine and medlied across multiple locations and the color range has natural, varied pop, diffused into the smokey trope atmospherics and angled up and key lit cinematography by Paul Alan Steele. Blacks are slight washed but not crushed or with significant banding. Like most Cleopatra Entertainment releases, the soundtrack overwhelms enough of the other audio layers in this English language LCPM Stereo 2.0 that it slightly takes of the edge of the impact, but the lossless quality awakens the snarling, growling werewolf noises and the dialogue is amply consistent throughout that even the Gothic rockabilly score from The 69 Cats doesn’t fully immerse viewers solely in the band’s dark melodiousness. Bonus content includes a Mark Polonia commentary, which the director is usually pretty good about supplying and supporting for most of his work, an image slideshow, and the trailer plus trailers for other Cleopatra Entertainment releases. Physical attributes of the conventional encased Blu-ray include an uncredited but insane Red Riding Hood inspired illustration on the front cover. There is no reverse side of the cover nor are there any inserts included in his release and the disc is pressed with the same front cover image. The unrated Blu-ray comes region free and has a runtime of 80 minutes.
Last Rites: “Cocaine Werewolf” is better than most of the contemporary Mark Polonia body of work, but the heart-pounded effects of his laced comedy-horror is not addictive enough to produce the euphoria to warrant another line hit, leaving this derived werewolf indie in withdrawals.
A killer emerges out of the depths of an Amsterdam canal and mercilessly kills a prostitute, dragging her into the water, and suspends her lifeless, stabbed-riddled corpse over one of the canal bridges. Detective Eric Visser is baffled by the canal killer’s unusual technique but aims to track down the bravado murderer while living the single dad life with daughter Anneke. When another couple of heinous killings takes place out in the middle of the water and the mutilated bodies wash ashore, panic begins to creep into administrative officials with the thought of a scuba diving maniac swimming in the hundreds of Amsterdam canals. Investigating the underwater hobby leads Visser to meet Laura, a diving enthusiast and museum tour guide who sparks instantly with the ruggedly handsome detective, but as the Visser gets closer to the truth and the killer, Laura becomes emmeshed in a crime that’s deadlier than an embolism.
If scuba diving wasn’t already deadly enough, the murky waters of canal rivulets become the hunting grounds of a deranged, underwater killer in Dick Maas’s 1988 Dutch crime thriller “Amsterdamned.” The elevator horror filmmaker of “The Lift” Maas wrote and directed the red-running canal of carnage with a fast-paced, action-packed, hard-boiled, giallo film outside the conventional Italia-construction. Shot mostly in the red-light district capital of the world of Amsterdam, shooting locations also include Utrecht to accommodate additional speedboat scenes, plus studio work in Leiden and Heemstede, Netherland. Maas self produces the action-horror alongside Lauren Geels, a longtime collaborator with Maas who’ve worked previously on comedies “Voyeur” and “Flodders” and subsequent projects, such as the English-dialogued apocalyptic drama “The Last Island” helmed by provocative feminist filmmaker Marleen Gorris and Maas’s own American remake of “The Lift,” known as “The Shaft” or “Down.” “Amsterdamned” is distributed theatrically by First Floor Pictures.
Huub Stapel (“The Cool Lakes of Death,” “The Lift”) stars as the world-weary, tough as nails cop Eric Visser. Also, as a single dad raising a small preteen and nearly self-independent child Anneke (Tatum Dagelet, ”Stuk!”), the setup doesn’t automatically constitute the detective as a cynically hardboiled man of the law but evokes more of a seasoned and skeptical vigilant persona of a man who is willing to leave circumspection at the door when duty calls. Stapel wonderfully fits the bill of Eric Visser’s rugged and assured good looks with a force in tune with being a father and a police investigator when the occasion calls for it. Being a single father also invites the opportunity to spark an exciting love interest to later put into danger. The infectious smile of Monique van de Ven (“Turkish Delight,” “A Woman Like Eve”) fills that void as Stapel and Ven engage in teetering flirtation that makes us wonder how astute is Visser now on a case that’s causing havoc on the streets of, or rather the waterways of, Amsterdam. Luckily, fellow police partners Vermeer (Serge-Henri Valcke, “Sl8n8”) and John van Meegeren (Wim Zomer), the latter a professional scuba diver and once jealous rival lover of Visser, keep the detective mostly focused with investigative conversation, joint crime scene speculation, and the gruesome death of one of them when they get too close. That ancient rivalry between Visser and Meegeren stays put in the re-introduction of their assembly with no hard feelings and bygones will be bygones attitude, missing the change for any exterior or addition tension outside the murderer’s reign of terror. “Amsterdamned” rounds out the cast with Lou Landré, Tanneke Hartzuiker, and Hidde Maas.
The fascinating aspect of Dick Maas’s “Amsterdamned” is taking the idyllic, ingrained, and utilitarian that is a cultural and landmark staple of Amsterdam and turning into an unpleasant gateway of fear and anxiety. Transferring soundbite cues and following a storyline that’s not terribly too dissimilar from that of Steven Speilberg’s iconic oceanic death-dealing “Jaws,” and toss in Dick Maas’s enthusiastic fervor for a heart-racing effervescence, and you have the singular crime-thriller “Amsterdamned” in a nutshell that’s doesn’t deliver trite and uninspired horror or thrills but rather spoils the innate grandeur of a worldclass city that’s soaked in splendor as well as carnal sin; a fact lost upon espionage thrillers who overuse “Amsterdam” as an assembly of salvo and high-speed chases. Maas does add his own variation of high-speed chase with a lengthy and complex speedboat pursuit through the on-site in Amsterdam and Utrecht canals with gripping and well edited ramp jumps and fiery explosions that predate some of the more renowned speedboat chases of modern cinema. What’s also interesting about “Amsterdamned” is the adversary that doesn’t have a lot of bells and whistles to make a convoluted story stick; instead, the killer is rather simply pieced together but descriptively held at bay until the finale for maximum suspense on unveiling the identity.
Surfacing just beneath the depths is a 2K restoration from the original 35mm negative, approved by Dick Maas, from Blue Underground; however, these Blu-ray specs mirror the 2017 Blu-ray and DVD combo set and is more than likely the same transfer but for this standard edition, also labeled special edition, release. The single disc, AVC encoded, BD50 is presented in high-definition 1080p and in a widescreen 1.85:1 aspect ratio. Color saturation stands out here with a specified density that results in a pop of color and a diffusion of light that’s brilliant and revealing in the day without a bleeding wash and cold, wet, and with a noir-like steeliness at night, accentuated by inky solid shadows. The original 35mm print has flawless approach into the restoration that makes the 2K scan candid and, perhaps, a walk in the park for another Blue Underground upgrade to high-definition in their established genre catalogue. The original Dutch soundtrack is presented in a 5.1 DTS-HD, greatly tightened around the milieu and dialogue to isolate each track for separation and clarity. Dick Maas, a filmmaker of many talents, scores his own feature with an unintrusive and dynamic soundtrack that ebbs and flows with the trepidation terror and tension-riddled action. Dialogue is clean and clear but does have that ADR artificiality to it. English subtitles render over promptly and error free. Two other soundtrack mixes are available on the dual layer disc: a lossless hybrid English-Dutch 2.0 DTS-HD and a French dubbed and lossy Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo. English SHD and Spanish subtitles are also optionally available. Extras are pulled from the previous Blue Underground release and are an audio commentary from writer/director/composer Dick Maas and editor Hans van Dungen, a making of “Amsterdamned,” an interview with star Huub Stapel Tales from the Canal, an interview with stunt coordinator Dickey Beer Damned Stuntwork, the Dutch and US trailer, the Lois Lane music video directed by Dick Maas, and poster and still galleries. Behind the wild ride illustrated composition of the Blu-ray front cover, the reverse cover lists the encoded scene chapters on top of one of Huub Stapel’s stunt work performances. The disc is pressed with the masked scuba diver head holding a gleaming diver’s knife cover art from Blue Underground’s limited-edition Blu-ray and DVD combo set of 2017. The all region encoded disc holds a 113-minute feature and is rated R.
Last Rites: If looking to save a buck against purchasing the limited edition, dual format combo set, the standard special edition Blu-ray of “Amsterdamned” is worth it, especially since the film has been absent from U.S. home markets up until 2017. Dick Maas is a premier Dutch horror filmmaker with the ability to keep us engaged as well as on edge.
World-renowned but virtually unorthodox and cursory neurosurgeon Dr. Seymour Caligari removes yet another brain tumor with relative ease from a cancerous-afflicted patient. After the large golf ball sized tumor is discarded for oncology dissection and study in the lab, the once lifeless biological malignant specimen escapes from the medical pan and starts violently attacking people on a rouge killing spree. Having absconded the hospital grounds, the tumor continuously stays on the hunt for its next meal, devouring the distasteful locals surrounding Dr. Caligari’s mansion home. Caligari, his son Dash, and stepdaughter, Kitsie, who is an alcoholic and is also oddly dating her stepbrother, soon find out that the nearby, forest hiding tumor is growing into a large, tentacled, and toothy ball with bloodthirsty, feeding frenzy tendencies and it’s up to Caligari’s family to reconnect whole their interfamily relationship faults if they want to stop it before it consumes more victims.
A practical schlock tribute to the pre-1980s monster movie, this 2024 release “Brain Tumor” embodies every bad, mutated cell that defined the ridiculously slathered B-movie creature features of yore, the ones that aired late enough to be seen by the burning the midnight oil few and were described with every exclamatory interjections and horrifying, vocabulary descriptors you could think of to put shock, terror, and fear in large, screen-to-screen filling grotesque font. Glen Coburn, who’s directorially debuted with the “Blood Suckers from Outer Space” in 1984, wrote and directed his latest comedy-horror cheapie in nearly three decades since his last feature. The American-made picture reteams Coburn with Bret McCormick whom both helmed a segment in the “Tabloid” horror anthology alongside the third co-segment director, Matt Devlan. This time, the “Repligator” and “The Abomination” producer McCormick designs Coburn’s tumorous creature, much like the body-bred monster of “The abomination,” with “Tabloid” actress Kay Bay producing the film under Whacked Movies, distributed by TinyBig.
“Brain Tumor’s” schtick is part half-century ago creature feature and part absurdist humor brought upon by the cast of caricature characters beginning with Dr. Seymour Caligari in off the cuff remarks and off topic comments that no one patient wants to hear while in the middle of brain surgery, which, if I’m correct, requires you to be awake depending on the type of operation. Behind Caligari is an actor who is usually behind the camera in Bil Arscott, cinematographer for “Christmas of the Dead” and gaffer for the Ryan Kline black market human meat selling comedy-horror short film “Meat.” Perhaps the less sensationalist absurdist in the entire picture, Arscott is joined by Jack Mahoney and Sydney Hatton as son Dash and stepdaughter Kitsie who embody the light “Cruel Intentions” incest between siblings. Yes, I know they’re stepsiblings but there’s still a creepy factor about it. Plus, Kitsie’s mentioned on multiple occasions about her alcoholism but that sidebar aspect her character doesn’t flourish or become problematic. Dash tries to convince himself his father has nothing to do with the recent string of murders while Kitsie’s devil’s advocate reign of suspicion marks the doctor complicate. In the end, none of the complexities amount to anything in a fiery fight finale of man versus malignant tumor with casualties in between from mostly interesting yet throwaway characters in biopsy researcher Phoenix Leach (Danielle Wyatt), Caligari’s medical assistant Freddy (Aspen Higgins), a bordering predo-priest Father Bud (Matt Tucker), and 2000’s indie scream queen Anjanette Clewis (“Witchcraft 13,” “Suburban Nightmare) in perhaps the only gory scene in the entire film.
At eye level, “Brain Tumor” is nothing more than a quirky horror-comedy conjured up with slim conceptualization from Coburn seeking to spend a shoestring budget. Not a ton of substantial story inside this framework of a cantankerous killer tumor with a vaginal mouth, snakelike tentacles, and a single ocular just above the vagina dentata. With no mutational cause for the creature’s resulted effect, the titular terrorizers mostly skulks in nearby bushes and grabs those stupid enough to leave the confines of their home to check out that weird sound. Following a formulaic path similar to monster movies of the 1950s modernized to reflect with a jab of a politically divided climate and a liberal sense of humor, “Brain Tumor” fails to that semblance of an under-the-veil of Golden Age cinema veneer classified by those archaically rendered B-films, substituting the strived charm of making the most of it with farce and satire just like most modern movies that more-or-less mock what once was for a serious creature feature. Without the presence of significant monster mayhem and without the presence of a personality, Coburn’s creature metastasizes into too many benign lumps that it causes a deficiency in entertainment, horror, and for it’s intended comedy.
“Brain Tumor” arrives onto DVD home video from rising physical media distributor MVDVisual in distributive collaboration with Whacked Movies. The MPEG2 encoded DVD5 is upscaled to 1080p from the standard 720p resolution. Picture quality doesn’t hold many qualms through an ungraded and brightly lit digital compression. There’s an artificial quality to the rudimentary visual effects that emits a plastic and hard-edged surface without a smoother blend into the frames. Color density is quite sharp against the off-and-on emerging details when green screen tactics are not being utilized or the scene is not overexposed with natural lighting. Audio specifications are not listed on the back cover, but my player has identified the English language mix encoding as an uncompressed stereo 2.0. Digital audio retains a crisp and clean reproduction albeit the feedback crackling during higher pitched screaming. Dialogue renders clean, free of obstruction, and with prominence over the other encoded tracks and despite it’s microbudget, an onboard mic doesn’t seem to be used here based off the clarity and depth of sound. There are no subtitles available with this feature as well as no bonus content in this barebone, feature-only release. The unsigned illustrated front cover art is neat though, an above average Ghana-like design that’s more accurate to the film’s storyline. Aside from the sexy front cover, that’s about the sum of “Brain Tumor’s” physical allure with no insert accompaniments and a disc art pressed with partisan screengrab of the monster. The 76-minute feature comes unrated and is region free.
Last Rites: While I applaud the use of a stationary, yet tangible, bio-organic mutated creature instead of a visual effects atrocity, “Brain Tumor” is terminally fated to be a miss amongst fans both old and new with too little monster, too little gore, and too little sense to save itself from itself.
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