Alex and Jane just graduated college with an uncertain future ahead of them. In financial debt with no aid from their family because of their lesbian relationship, Alex can’t shake the uncomfortable sensation that her life spirals down an unknown path. Jane’s optimism stems from the upcoming reboot woodland retreat with friends. Booze, drugs, and a whole lot of sex is planned to escape reality’s harsh unforgiving grip. There’s only one problem. A creature lurks in the woods, sniffing out the moment of vaginal penetration, and ripping to shreds the naked, sweaty bodies that were entangled in raunchy passion. A jock, a cheerleader, a geek, a stoner, and a pair of lesbians are the familiar horror film tropes fighting for their very lives in a grisly battle against a ghastly man-beast.
“Don’t Fuck in the Woods,” an alluring cavalier horror film title, is the indie project from writer-director Shawn Burkett. Burkett’s crowdfunded low-budget venture doesn’t piddle around the subject matter with interpretive titles or undertone stories. Burkett, with every intention, aimed his sights on developing the most proverbial scenarios of horny young folk in the woods being stalked by an inhuman monstrosity and achieved great success while also topping his film off with a sexually explicit cherry, defining “DFITW” as every young boy’s wet dream with gratuitous nudity and blood splatter mayhem! In fact, nudity, at least in my belief, outweighs the creature in screen time with the majority of the female cast baring more their breasts than the creature bares it’s teeth.
Brittany Blanton and Ayse Howard lead in the lesbian roles of Jane and Alex and are the only two actors to have characters to have some meat on their depth chart. Hence, why they’re in the lead role shoes. Blanton and Howard alternative style spills into the rest of the cast pool. Roman Jossart, the stoner, naturally gushes with wit and delivery that makes the sweaty, large, and overly perverted character very likable. Then there’s the inexplicable Nadia White. The “Give It To Me Grandpa” actress (look it up in Google) wears many shameless hats off screen, from modeling to fetish porn, but the stark blonde who once wrapped herself completely in duck tape except for her massive boobs, dons a hardly uncharacteristic character whose attached to the hip of her tall, dark jock boyfriend Conor, played in a debut performance by Brian Cornell. Hannah Herdt picks up the geek trope with credulous rant about iconic scream queens and their rise to fame without having to bare it all on screen. Kayla Stone, Brandy Mason, Derek Wehrley, and Scott Gillipsie in a dual role as Luke and the creature round out the rest of the “DFITW” cast. What I love about this cast is the fact they’re not these super slender and fit individuals with four, six, eight-pack abs you typically see in horror films. Instead, each one has their own little mid-section cupcake pudginess or pooch and that’s okay!
Above paragraphs contain praise for admiration and passion toward everything that’s right about “DFITW,” but there’s also plenty to dislike and many viewers, and reviewers too, have spoken publicly their harsh negativity. In a more constructive criticism, the first point is that Burkett’s film has no real logical story structure. Why should we care about these characters who trek into the woods, bone like rabbits, and then become lunch meat for an anti-fornication fiend? Secondly, the editing and special effects need firming as some kill scenes felt unnecessarily rushed and prolonged terror scenes didn’t really induce the terror, requiring that edit to break apart the monotony of the scene. The cheaply made creature passes, but the imperfections in the latex, or whatever material it was constructive of, can be clearly captured. Which leads me into the Alfred Hitchcock quote at the beginning of the film, “There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it.” The anticipation of the creature was sorely absence as much of the film focused on the group and their shenanigans and didn’t give the creature much hype, reducing it to a powerless vessel until rearing that jacked up Ninja Turtle head into the campers’ den.
Concept Media and Shawn Burkett’s “Don’t Fuck in the Woods” is a horror homaging and referencing machine, spitting out as much time-honored horror movie no-nos and final-girl conventionalism as one film can, but the story feels hollow inside and doesn’t offer worthwhile character development in neither protagonists or antagonist. Definitely the title, and even the film as a definitive whole, borders that thin line of becoming a ridiculously bad, but very interesting, parody porn, exploiting the rules of the slasher genre and having little-to-no girth of a plot. Roman Jossart’s hilarity, notable “Predator” references and remarks, and the fair amount of fair skin saves this exploitive film from being a total loss and, as well, the overwhelming communal participation and support to have this film see the light of day is absolutely amazing as a title like “Don’t Fuck in the Woods” would financially scare the money bag pants off any potential backer. You can see “Don’t Fuck in the Woods” on Vimeo On Demand by clicking the link below!
Lionsgate Home Entertainment presents “6 Plots” starring Andrew Clarke, Alice Darling, and Ryan Corr (Wolf Creek 2) onto a Rated-R DVD, On Demand, and Digital Download this October 4th!
After passing out at a party, Brie wakes up to a strange phone message: a lunatic has abducted her six friends and buried them in boxes around the city. Each box has its own deadly terror — water, gasoline, insects — waiting to kill its occupant. To add to the sadistic thrills, the killer is streaming footage of the trapped kids on the Internet — and to each other. Forbidden to call parents or police, Brie must use her wits to locate her friends’ six death traps before their time runs out.
DVD Special Features
· “The Making of 6 Plots” Featurette
Pre-Order your copy of 6 Plots over at Amazon for slightly cheaper!
Got around finally to watching the sixth episode of Kevin Williamson’s The Following last night on On Demand and we’re back to ground zero with how The Following should play out as a suspenseful horror thriller with numerous twists, baffling betrayals, and many hooks to keep the audience intrigued and drooling until next Monday. Ryan Hardy, when back into a corner, transforms into possum as his curls his lip revealing his vicious teeth – a side of Hardy we have yet to experience.
Paul: “Tie him up!”
Ryan: Yes, tie me up, but if you get within two feet of me I will break your neck and crack your spine.”
Paul: “Then I will shoot you!”
Ryan: “And his neck will be broken and his spine will be cracked.”
Paul: “And you’ll be dead!”
Ryan: “And his neck will be broken and his spine will be cracked.”
This episode drives in the last nail making certain that we, the audience, can’t trust a single soul – who is in this cult and/or who will betray who within a group – and that distrust amongst the factions will keep life in this show. Also, the mysterious Rodrigo who orchestrates behind the scenes has me starting to wonder that we may know already who this person is and that the other cult followers perhaps don’t know as Charlie, Claire’s ‘follower,’ had stated in his own words that each member of Carroll’s crew doesn’t know who each other and that their roles were specific. If I had to take a wild guess, Rodrigo is Agent Debra Parker and this episodes leave a little taste of my hypothesis. However, my theory could be dead wrong which is hard to believe, I know.
Our killer threesome has for now disbanded into a massive betrayal by Emma’s character as she leaves her two male companions to fend for themselves against the closing in FBI. What’s Emma’s plan with Joey? Most likely her specific role is to be the protector of Joey as she displayed in the later half of the episode as a human bullet shield. Rodrigo had likely instructed Emma to escape from Paul and Jacob while friends of Rodrigo infiltrate and kill a couple of the FBI Swat team and extract Paul and Jacob from the clutches of the FBI.
Lots going on and the next episode shapes up to be thrilling as well. Let’s all hope.