EVIL’s Confessional Will Be Their Rex-oning! “The VelociPastor” reviewed!


Father Doug Jones witnesses his parent’s murder by a violent car explosion and begins to question his devotion to God. At the advice of his friend, Father Stewart, Jones travels the world to rediscover his faith, landing him in the deep forests of China where he comes in contact with an ancient, mystical artifact. His discovery is life changing, or rather physically changing, as the power of the relic enables him to transform into a vicious dinosaur. The horrifying thought of his transformation and killing of an armed and dangerous thug has the priest scrambling to recollect himself as the man of the cloth, but the prostitute, who witnesses his true calling of vigilantism, convinces him to use his newfound powers against the swarm of crime. A secret clan of ninjas, acquainted with Jones’ abilities, seek to destroy his unofficial denomination to progress their diabolical plan for domination.

Full disclosure. There in lies a soft spot for bad, sometimes off-script, horror movies involving the prehistoric reptilians. On the USA Network, decades ago when USA Network had late night horror films, “Carnosaur” trilogy was enjoyable to watch, hooking and reeling me into the dino horror subgenre. The categorically offbeat genre even unearthed my celebrity crush even before I knew who she was with “Tammy and the T-Rex.” Even in the heavily edited form, Denise Richards still stunned me with her dino-riffic dynamics. Plus, Vinegar Syndrome is releasing an unedited version! ItsBlogginEvil just posted a review, not too long ago, for another Wild Eye releasing, “Jurassic Dead!” Steven Spielberg and the “Jurassic Park” franchise, of course, laid the foundation of critically acclaimed Triassic and Cretaceous thrillers, but the crude complexion of the indie market feels more at home, more uninhibited, and, definitely, more spirited and that’s what writer-director Brendan Steere and his team breathes new life into with the horror-comedy “The Velocipastor!”

The man behind the titular “The VelociPastor” character is Greg Cohan, a television actor regular, who dons the clerical collar and endeavors through the practical special effects of “The First Purge’s” Jennifer Suarez. Young, fit, and a good sport, Doug Jones is perfect for a clergyman turned velociraptor who dismembers the wicked and karate kicks ninjas while also sporting a pink mini dress in a scene of self revelation and also doing hand-to-hand combat in whitey-tighties. Opposite Jones, playing the love interest, is Alyssa Kempinski as the hooking for tuition pre-law med student, Carol, who becomes the facilitator of Father Jones prehistoric predicament. Jones and Kempinksi charisma shine through the absurdity as their keenest for each other develops into a full fledge fighting duo. Kempinski’s softer touch compared to Cohan’s zany comedy levels out, if that’s even possible, a film about a priest with a dino-lycanthrope complex. “The VelociPastor” supporting cast are equally as sharp with the farcical, pulpy vibe, rounding out with some really fantastic performance from amateur actors, including Aurelio Voltaire (“Model Hunger”), Brendan Steere’s father Daniel Steere, Jesse Turtis, Jiechang Yang, and a pulsating rendition of a worst-of-the-worst pimp with Fernando Pacheco de Castro.

“The VelociPastor” doesn’t take itself seriously, paralleling the similarities to other martial art parodies like “Kung Pow: Enter the Fist,” but Steere incorporates a healthy appreciation for pulp writing and independent filmmaking for his crowdfunded venture. While the “The VelociPastor” might have a trashy, kitschy name to draw in audience and also heavily lined pocket patrons, the film itself isn’t all that trashy, schlocky, or shoddy. Much of the action is not Father Doug Jones as a skin-shredding Dinosaur wreaking havoc amongst the lowlifes and crime syndicates, the very vibrant montage takes care of that, but rather runs a baseline story of a man and a woman, from two separate worlds of prostitution and a man of faith fall in love, has fairly simple and conventional means once all the idiosyncratic glitter and glam is removed; a notion that can be said to be the foundational basis for many other movies. Even director Brendan Steere admitted during a Q and A session that “The VelociPastor” isn’t a jab at the Church, closing the door on conjecture and blasphemous intentions with the ending remark that velocipastor just sounded cool from a harmless auto-correct error.

Wild Eye Releasing and Cyfuno Ventures presents “The VelociPastor” onto a unrated DVD home video. Based off Brendan Steere’s 2011 faux grindhouse trailer of the same title which the director used 16mm Kodak stock, the feature film loses a fair amount of that particular grindhouse appeal, but Steere still manages to manufacture grindhouse attributes by creating scratches on the floor of his dark bathroom and also baking the film in his oven to obtain a warm, dry coloring to give the film age and deterioration. Details in the 2018 film are ten times more distinguishable than in his 2011 trailer and the since being garnished almost completely with practical effects, nothing detailed has grand poise and exhibits every uncouth knook and cranny that only adds to the horror-comedy’s charm. The 2.0 stereo mix has an even keel about it and doesn’t embark on the same grindhouse wear Steere attempts to develop on the image, but the dialogue is prominent and ambience, from the fighting hits to the roar, is on point with depth and range. English closed captioning subtitles are available. Bonus features include a commentary track, gag reel, a Texas Frightmare Cast and Crew question and answer with Greg Cohan, Brendan Steere, and Jesse Gouldsbury, and the theatrical trailer. As about as B-movie as a feature can get, “The VelociPastor” rekindles the jurassic age’s primal instincts and unleashes a new and ferocious cult icon, one that’ll not only bite your head clean off, but will exact the last rites before doing so! Amen!

The VelociPastor on DVD! Click the DVD to buy!

Undead EVIL Versus Hot Shot Mercenaries in “The Jurassic Dead” Review!


After being terminated from Government involvement and dismissed as a professor at a prestigious university, controversial scientist, Dr. Wojick Borge, vows retaliation against those who deem his life work, re-animating lifeless cerebrals into fevered ferociousness, irresponsible and dangerous, but before developing his plan of attack, an irefully distracted Borge is struck down and crippled by a pickup truck. Surviving the accident, Dr. Borge joins a radical militant group with a mission of destruction toward the United States of America. An elite team of five special ops hired guns are dispatched to Borge’s isolated desert compound to locate and destroy the mad scientist and revoke his dastardly end of days card that also involves a pre-calculated asteroid strike on Earth, leaving an EMP trail that wipes out all electronics and with America dark, the crazed scientist intends on releasing his toxin amongst millions of people that will vehemently destroy themselves. Caught in the mix are college kids on a road trip when their car dies and nothing can prepare them when they come face-to-face with an undead pre-historic sentinel at Dr. Borge’s compound.

First, there was the baaah’d-ass, four-legged, undead lamb chops in Jonathan King’s “Black Sheep.” Then, these living dead aqua rodents didn’t give a dam in Jordan Rubin’s “Zombeavers.” Now, directors Milko Davis and Thomas Martwick go full pre-historic carnivore with “The Jurassic Dead.” A indelicate cross between “Jurassic Park” and any zombie film you could probably think of for a film that’s has nifty alternate titles, such as “Zombiesaurus” and “Z/Rex”, Milko Davis co-writes an intrinsic script with “Generation X-tinct” screenwriter Michele Pacitto that narrates the mining of calcified tree sap and extract the DNA from fossilized mosquitoes in the Jurassic period….wait….that’s, uh, “Jurassic Park.” “The Jurassic Dead” isn’t that problematical, so forget I said anything about an intrinsic script. No amber colored fossils and no GMO dinosaurs here. Just chomp and chew action that’s “Jurassic Park” meets “Re-Animator” in this farcical, action-packed tour de force.

With a film about a miniature zombie Tyrannosaurus that infects people into burning-eyed and enraged zombies with a single bite, just like your typical dead head would be able to accomplish, “The Jurassic Dead” moreover has character flair gaudy with macho-isms and sarcastic tiffs lined in every scene and entrenched in a saturated dialogue and the character flair is flared by an eclectic cast, starting with professional bodybuilder Andy Haman. The 53-year-old built like a Mac truck steps into the platform combat boots of Duque, head mercenary in charge, and is notably mentioned resembling the video game pop culture stud, purposefully varied as Duque, Duke Nukem with the blonde spikey hair, shades, cigar, and muscles bulging out from a sleeveless shirt. Get this guy a seven-figure contract before he gets any older! Another noteworthy cast member and biological badass is an Ultimate Fighter Championship boxing style fighter, Raquel “Rocky” Pennington. The 30-year-old Pennington goes silent, but deadly as Cuchilla, one of the mercenaries with a liking for raising a machete to one’s manhood. Haman and Pennington already pair as formidable force, but the rest of the mercenary actors based in Colorado, where “The Jurassic Dead” is filmed, stacks more assorted attitude and brute. Big Fish Talent’s Ruselis Aumeen Perry (“Tsunambee”) masses what’s left of his team against Dr. Borge and his re-animated fossil as Stick and then, there’s Spivey, a fitting role satirically portrayed by another Tsunambee actor, Shale Le Page. Spivey’s rootin’ tootin’ good ole boy show is the cherry on top levity that tops a mound of primordial preposterousness. The Hits’ lead singer Mia Klosterman (“Battered”), Ben Johnson (“Curse of the Black Lagoon”), Cooper Elliot, Adam Singer, Mary Jo Mauro, and Juan Gonzoalez bring up the tail end of the cast.

At first glance, the shoddy digital effects and disjointed storyline (like what’s up with the two prefaces about Dr. Borge’s downtrodden woes that really have no standing leading into the meat of the story) might write off “The Jurassic Dead” on surface level viewing, but look closer, beyond the 1990’s sorely stretched rotoscope and a dino who bites like a puppy dog playing with a knotted rope toy and you’ll notice a respectable layer of re-played movie magic that includes just as much practical effects than it does visual. Detailed miniature models and a man, who I believe was Cooper Elliot, donning those realistic personal T-Rex costumes used more notably when pranking unsuspecting Japanese denizens walking clueless down a vacant building hallway. Hell, even some of the black drums are miniatures constructed from food cans sprayed painted black and the military-esque Humvee is a RC doctored battle-worn. The man behind the effects, Thomas Martwick, shows that Davis and Markwick are a pair of jacks of all trades and wear many hats that define dedication to indie filmmaking culture. A quality that surpasses subjective tastes of good and bad effects or films in general.

MVDVisual and Wild Eye Releasing present another wild horror film with “The Jurassic Dead” onto a Blu-ray and DVD combo pack. The Blu-ray was the sold reviewed format which is a MPEG-4 AVC encoded BD-25 disc presented in a widescreen, 16:9 aspect ration, with a region free cherry on top code. From the view point of looking through some of the sour effects, the image quality is like looking through the murky surface level to find cleaner, bluer ocean water, but the non-green screen portions of the film are sharp and more defined. The English Dolby Digital 5.1 surround sound caters to a lossy audio mix that betrays the dialogue track, favoring a generic and boring stock soundtrack over what I think was semi-important dialogue about how events play out. Bonus features include director’s commentary, a petite behind-the-scenes featurette, a few outtakes and trailers. While saturated heavily with chintzy composites and a scare level hover around nil, the ambitious “The Jurassic Dead” still bares entertainingly sharp teeth as a fun, no frills, feast or famine action horror abundant with Dino action.

Undead DINOSAURS!!!! ROAR!

Toe Tagged: Richard Attenborough

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At least it wasn’t the dinosaurs that got’em. Richard Attenborough, famed British actor, beloved character in Jurassic Park, dead at 90 years old.

Evil Nymphomaniac Alligator Women! Repligator!

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Tired of trying to comprehend a director’s secretive meaning behind his scenes? Tired of trying to solve the mysterious puzzle that opens the life or death box? Tired of the reverse scenes that attempt to tell the story without having to be linear? Sometimes these filmmaking artistic techniques become too tiresome leaving you weary eyed and frustrated. Sometimes scenes just need to be clear cut, plain-jane simple, and meticulously mindless. You’re in luck because Repligator is just that – no hidden meanings, no twisted edited, and no problem solving that requires a T-Model calculator.

A classified military experiment, involving the idea of a G.I soldier being replicated to double the military infantry numbers without recruitment, has gone array as the replicator turns the strong, gun-ho male privates into brain-washed nymphomaniac women who much rather expose their privates. Also, when these women experience the slightest orgasm, they transform into scaly, mutant alligators and once bitten by one of these alligator women, their victims turn into homosexual zombies! Wait…what?

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Yeah, I’m still trying to wrap my head around the premise of this erotica laden, senseless film (if you want to call it that) by budget director Bret McCormick. I had pre-determined that Repligator had a simple plot – military experience turns women into alligators – but I was incorrect. And just for the record, the alligators are more like rejected raptor prop heads from Jurassic Park resembling nothing like an alligator. The writing is so over the board that I’m pretty sure the amped up hyper Richard Simmons wrote the script.

I’m still trying to comprehend the gay zombies; at least I’m pretty sure the gator-bitten victims were turned into gay zombies as they ignored the advances, and pretty much everything else, of the half naked women and not the male leads. Speaking on the subject of half naked women, the legs with breast weren’t too shabby for this mid-90s late night creature feature that might have once been given a showing or two on the Syfy channel.

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I shouldn’t pass on discussing Gunnar Hansen’s role in Repligator; Hansen may headline the movie, but his role is minimal as scientists telling a story of how everything went wrong. He isn’t wielding any Texas Chainsaws here even though there was a little homage for him in the opening credits. Scream queen Brinke Stevens also didn’t have much of a starring role. Stevens scene was rather pointless toward the whole of the plot, but I’m not surprised considering the film is called Repligator.

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Plain and simple, Repligator bares nothing special, yet somehow manages to bare all at the same time. You won’t have to think too hard to get the concept, yet you’ll be confused at the end. This enigmatic movie challenges all the laws of physics without even spitting out a correct mathematical formula. See what I’m talking about by purchasing your copy today at MVD Entertainment Group!