Category Archives: Creature Features

Evil Ready to Chow Down! Eyes of the Woods Review!

Posted by Steven Lewis on

eyesofthewoods

Always does this seem to me is that all the root causes of demonic possession in films stem from the ye ole ages when the land was young and naive.  Nearly in the same vein are The Evil Dead and Ginger Snaps in which these prequels explore ancient curses and demons to be the reason for all the present carnage and this is just to quickly name a couple of examples.  Darrin Reed and F. Miguel Valenti’s The Eyes of the Woods follows a similar structure but separate’s itself by beginning in the past with a pilgrim village Knobb’s Creek being slaughtered by a vengeful father who lost his daughter and blames God for his loss.  He leads Satan into his soul giving him ultimate strength, sustaining life, and a thirst for human flesh.  Four hundred years later to the present day,  five friends are hunted and tormented by the legendary creature of Knobb’s Creek whom has consumed numerous lives over the years feeding his body with souls.

What might be the most interesting piece about the Eyes of the Woods is Mark Villalobos whom’s hands are deep within the bloody special effects and also behind the creature played by Walter Phelan (Dr. Satan of House of a 1000 Corpses). The prosthetic applications on lanky Phelan are a nice touch making Phelan look like Baraka from Mortal Kombat 2, but naked. What a shame that the sound editing screws up the whole character; at best the foley sounds come off as loony-toony and the boom mike, or whatever was used, doesn’t produce quality sound – what can you expect with 2.0 Dolby?

However, the Creature has been overshadowed and not by the our young fresh-faced victims. The forest becomes more frightening than the actually villain much like, again, The Evil Dead. Entire lakes move, night is actually day, day is actually night are only a few examples of how our group of kids get turned around and completely “mind-fucked!” The Creature is completely overshadowed and becomes just a meager product of it’s environment – the forest. Unlike my comparison to The Evil Dead, the trees don’t reach out and rape women nor bust down doors to swallow souls. Instead, the trees act as an Electric Magnetic Pulse disabling phones and cars. How and why you say? Fuck if I know. Eyes of the Woods doesn’t explain much about the cause and one could guess that evil forces, especially demonic forces, are working to keep modern technology out of the bush!

Our young bunch deem very unlikable and audiences will have a hard time sympathizing with them. We want them to die just because there is nothing interesting about them, no showy love poise, no fight for something to live for and if anything, we can cheer for the character of “Winter” portrayed by Johnny Moreno, who in my opinion acts and looks just like James Duval from Cornered! Quirky and likable, had me rolling a couple of times, yet completely idiotic and still doesn’t become a character that you can root for to live. Even the female characters (who give us any gratuitous nudity and only gratuitous lake crossing in their bikinis) are just, well, blah. Now, there is gratuitous nudity with a chick walking out of the cave, covered in blood, and walking aimlessly through the woods and stumbles upon a backpacking couple who are not helpful. The backstory on this naked, covered in blood, chick doesn’t explain much of a background besides that her friend went in a cave and died. That’s about it – just walking tits.

Eyes of the Woods, not to be confused with The Hills Have Eyes or The Woods Have Eyes, homes into other horror flicks, but tries too hard to become a cult favorite. Instead, a mesh of mess chops off the film’s livelihood and throws it out the window because, basically, there is no use for the film’s manhood. Eyes of the Woods becomes another direct-to-video to take the direct-to-graveyard, do not pass go, do not collect $200 route. Even with a veteran villain, a special effects guru, and a decent, if a confusing, premise, this satanic creature feature won’t settle well with horror fans and will certainly leave a bad taste.

A..B..C..D..Evil! The ABCs of Death review!

Posted by Steven Lewis on

abcsofdeathAbout damn time a way of learning your ABCs by the teaches of death! The ABCs of Death brings together 26 international directors to direct, at their own artistic freedom, their each short film segment. Each director was given a letter and were told to choose a word to title their work with and create a story around that word. The individual segments are not your typical horror thrillers about death and what I mean by that is that you don’t have a vampire segment, a slasher segment, etc. Death can come in any way, shape, or form and is certainly explored every single way in this fatal anthology.

I’d like to start off with my favorite segment which is entitled “D is for Dogfight” directed by Marcel Sarmiento, who you might remember from his direction work on Deadgirl and it’s been a little bit since that project! “D is for Dogfight” simply pits a man versus a vicious dog in an underground “fight club” style face-off. The short film is shot nearly without dialogue and the twist ending will leave you more with a sinister grin rather than a shock on your face. The man versus dog fight is excellent when done in slow motion with every dog punch and every bite to the arm or leg just as real as you would see on any animal attack video on RealTV.

Those Japanese directors again....

Those Japanese directors again….


The worst videos have to come from the Japanese, especially the one entitled “F is for Farts” directed by Noboru Iguchi. Iguchi did Machine Girl which is ultra-violet and just brutally stupid in a good way, but then Iguchi followed up later on with Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead and, well, yeah. By The ABCs of Death title alone, you can tell he hasn’t expanded his horizon’s much further. The whole episode, which lasts no more than four or five minutes, is about stinky, women farts. The comedy element I get, but the death part I do not and nor will I ever. Maybe I’m just not Japanese educated enough to learn the history behind Japan’s wackiness.
CLAYMATION!!!!

CLAYMATION!!!!

There are other really cool segments (Timo’s Tjahjanto’s “L is for Libido”) and other silly toilet humor death segments (Anders Morgenthaler’s “K is for Klutz”). This anthology is unique because you get a taste of everything, of every culture, of every opinion with no restraint and with no influence. Creativity is boundless and that is what is more outstanding here than most of the segments and you won’t get bored which is great! I can’t wait for The ABCs of Death 2 and the anticipation is killing me – wait – that should be in the sequel – “A is for Anticipation.”

The ABCs of Death is distributed by Magnolia Home Entertainment.

Dealt an Evil Hand! The Dark Dealer review!

Posted by Steven Lewis on

dark-dealer

Whacked Movies are back again with another release distributed by MVD. You might remember the last release I reviewed a little over a month ago called Repligator – a pure gem and the epitome of movie making let me tell you – but don’t let Repligator ruin your appetite for Whacked Movies as the company wants to bring you outrageous, ridiculous, out of this world flicks you might have not known existed. This time Whacked Movies travel back in time returning to the 1990s and dig up a horror anthology entitled The Dark Dealer which feels like Schindler’s List in comparison to Repligator.

The Dark Dealer involves a game of chance; a game surrounded by death and to damn your soul to hell for all eternity. Three lives are at stake, three souls doomed, and a win at the game of Black Jack is all that stands in their way for salvation or a tomb of torture. Three souls with three different horrifying stories to tell while their fate lies within the hands of the Dark Dealer.

The creation of Satan

The creation of Satan


Talk about straight out of the nineties! The mullets, the jean jackets, the high top sneakers, the prosthetic horror effects! The Dark Dealer meshes campiness and horror really well while providing some really neat and effective special effects. The names Tom Alexander, Wynn Winberg, and Bob Trevino won’t turn heads or raise any eyebrows, but these unknown creators are the crew behind The Dark Dealer – Tom Alexander and Wynn Winberg are the directors and Bob Trevino supervised special effects. Trevino has had a decent resume with Machete and Predators under. Virtually the cast and the crew are a bunch of unknowns and that doesn’t hurt my viewing experience one bit because being so enthralled with effects that could compare to Hellraiser or From Beyond and just as fun I had no problem looking back the faces of unknown actors and actresses.

The talent behind the camera can’t go ignored either as the cinematography is the other half of why The Dark Dealer should receive more appreciation. You can’t make a puppet look like a puppet. There needs to be life behind the monster. I’m surprised none of these people have ever gone to do bigger and better projects, but I guess that is life in Hollywood.

Each story is of course it’s own entity. First story involves Satan. Second story haunts. While the third story explores more the sci-fi side of horror. I can’t divulge anymore in the detail because I don’t spoil a potential diamond in the rough movie. Not a bad score for Whacked Movies as this is only their second movie to be picked up. You should check out the trailer below, check out Whacked Pictures simplistic website, and purchase The Dark Dealer from my friends over at MVD website.

Evil Arachnids from Space! Spiders review!

Posted by Steven Lewis on

Spiders creep me the hell out. Eight legs, hairy, lots of black eyes, fangs – Spiders are frightening creatures of nature especially if you’re an insect. Spiders can hunt probably better than any human can as they can spin a web to capture their pray, dig holes to create traps for passing by prey, and can inject poison to paralyze their soon to be meal. I’m so fascinated (and frightened) of spiders that I had to review a copy of Tibor Takacs film simply
entitled Spiders.
SPIDERS
A disabled Soviet Union space station once harvested alien DNA that would only combine with the genes of spiders. The station was abandoned and 20 years later, the station orbits earth until a crumbling meteor slams into the station breaking off portion and sending the space junk into the atmosphere and crash landing into New York City’s metro underground. The mutated spiders lay eggs inside their prey and grow six inches every hour. A massive military cover up exposes the greed behind a rogue colonel’s intentions and its up to a metro controller and his estranged ex-wife, a city health inspector, to bring the surface the truth of the colonel malicious reign and to stop the mutant spiders from taking over the city.
SPIDERS2
Director Takacs isn’t new the giant spider genre as he directed the 2007 TV movie Ice Spiders which didn’t fair too well with audiences, but who doesn’t love man-eating monstrous spiders? 2013’s Spider’s feels like David Arquette starred Eight Legged Freaks with the terror among the community in an old fashion creature feature, but Spiders does stand on it’s own eight legs by making the spiders alien in origin. Adding the once softcore porn actress Christa Campbell doesn’t hurt either. Campbell is accompanied by Patrick Muldoon who might remember from another arachnid type sci-fi movie Starship Troopers as the fleet pilot Zander. Muldoon also appeared in Ice Spiders – the guy has a thing for spiders.
SPIDERS3
Takacs surprises me with the quality of Spiders and his other recent work. The story and the effects are okay and passable, but not as creatively outstanding as 1987’s The Gate – the film that had boosted his career as well as Stephen Doriff’s. These computer generated spiders are awkward when crawling and their razor-teeth filled mouths are even more awkward when stretched out to devour the next victim. However, Takacs knows how to keep an adventure and the action going and continuous, but seems to lack character motivation at times. I struggle to comprehend and begin to question our hero’s (Muldoon) and heroine’s (Campbell) choices in handling the spider chaos and the military’s cover-up. Also, I’m finding difficulty understanding that Muldoon’s character can outwit a giant Queen spider which is three stories tall while an entire military force can’t even handle the baby 4 foot tall male spiders.

With Spiders you will have to stretch your imagination beyond the limits of logical thinking, but with most creature features, you kind of need to and with that said, Spiders fairs well among the latest in the monster spider genre which has been severely neglected over the last five years. Spiders is also available in 3D if you have the capabilities! Thank you Millennium Films and Nu Image productions for a terrifying arachnophobia experience.

Evil Invades Your Holes! Sexsquatch review!

Posted by Steven Lewis on

sexsquatch

After numerous attempts have failed in trying to frighten audiences with using the mythical Sasquatch (Assault of the Sasquatch, 2006’s Abominable, Sasquatch Hunters, Devil on the Mountain, Boggy Creek), another release using the big footed monster has missed the mark and severely at that!

Sexquatch: The Legend of Blood Stool Creek – an intentional comedic movie where an alien Sasquatch named Stinkfist crash lands near a camp Summer home where a group of young sex crazed people are staying to have a “get laid” party for one hopeless teen virgin. Stinkfist has one mission on earth to kill and rape any living thing that walks on two legs and his intentions are based off a bet he has with another alien. I’m sure you can guess what happens next?

sexqutch3

I find the difficulty in reviewing such a movie because of the flick’s purposeful nature in trying to be goofy, witty, dumb, stupid, and somewhat bloody. I mean, we’re talking about high school grade humor here with Sexsquatch where sex, shit, and queef jokes are at the top of the list. The brain can only take so much and even after the short runtime of 70 minutes of this humor, I wanted my hour and half back so badly. Sexquatch is not the worst movie I’ve ever encountered, but makes the top ten list in my opinion.

Another thing – if a movie has sex in the title, shouldn’t there be some tits? Exposing some of the ladies bare essentials seemed not essential. Out of the six actresses, only two of them I’d want to see topless and reamed, but the others were…well…ugggh. No chests were exposed and the movie is called Sexquatch. Comprehension of this flaw leaves me and I can’t seem to focus on writing this review anymore. It’s like having Sex and the City without the sex, it’s like having a horror movie without a little gratuitous nudity, it’s like True Blood without vampires. Your title represents your movie and without plot justifications, your title will not be well sought!

Now I might seem a bit harsh with my review o far, but not everything is completely a misfortune for Sexsqutch. Steven Dinero, who plays Skippy in the film, has to be the only redeeming value and I’m guessing with his last name as Dinero, Skippy portrays a good impression of Robert De Niro throughout the entirety; it’s not award-winning material, but the impression relieves a little of the agony.

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Sub Rosa Studio Cinema brings you this gem and there should be no surprise that’s low-budget and no good at all, but who knows, maybe Sexquatch is your gold mine of funny jokes while extremely stoned off your mind. Like mentioned before, low-budget and you can see the Sexsquatch’s socks and tennis shoes! Haha! If you want a great and scary atmospheric bigfoot picture, see Peter Cushing in The Abominable Snowman or go classic and see Harry and the Hendersons! Not exactly horror, but still a great picture.